She says parents should also be aware that boys, who tend to be socialized that anger is the only appropriate way to express their feelings, often struggle with self-control more than girls do. During this formative time, teens may experience misperceptions such as “thinking they are invincible or that everyone is watching them,” says Padilla-Walker. So some of the lack of self-control and poor decision-making that parents see is simply a sign that their teen’s brain is still developing. However, parents should understand that teens do tend to experience more intense emotions and that the frontal lobe of the brain, where higher-order functioning takes place, doesn’t fully mature until about age 25. Contrary to popular belief, hormones play only a small role, and parent-child relationships can thrive during the teen years. But Padilla-Walker says the stereotype isn’t borne out by research. We all know the teenager stereotype: the moody, hormonal, combative youth who puzzles parents to no end. Titled “Flourishing During the Teen Years: Why ‘Not Being Bad’ Isn’t Good Enough,” the brief argues that parents can “discourage bad behavior by encouraging good behavior,” and for Padilla-Walker that begins with fostering self-control. Their paper is an outgrowth of the Flourishing Families Study, which tracked 500 families in the Northwest for a decade, noting commonalities among successful families. In a Family Studies Center report, Padilla-Walker and BYU graduate student Madison Memmott Elison (BS ’15) say parents shouldn’t settle for merely helping their teens avoid bad behavior rather, they should aim to encourage positive behaviors. And with good self-control, teens are more likely to build healthy self-esteem, a second foundational trait. As teens grapple with adversity, they’re more likely to develop self-control, which Padilla-Walker considers the bedrock trait they need to flourish as they head into adulthood. School of Family Life associate professor Laura Padilla-Walker says Hutchins was wise to let his teen struggle and not step in too soon-or at all-to relieve him. “The walls came down,” says Hutchins, “and he started to trust me on lots of things going on in his life. “I didn’t get in his face about it and reassured him of my acceptance of him and trust that he would figure things out.” This approach did more than address the drug usage. But Hutchins decided to hold back and instead hand the problem back to his son. Hutchins was sorely tempted to harshly correct his son’s behavior, thinking that was the only way to get his son on track. His son had withdrawn from the family and had flatly refused to attend church, participate in Scouting, or go on outings with his dad. Hutchins’s (BS ’79) son started smoking marijuana at age 16, their relationship was already strained. Despite struggles, Kelley found self-confidence in the pool. While Karen’s instinct was to help her daughter avoid failure, she supported Kelley’s decision to join a swim team.
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